As most Hapas would agree, being a Hapa results in an identity crisis that far exceeds that of a typical teenager. We are never fully integrated into a single culture, but rather hang around the fringes of two or more. Don't get me wrong, I love being Hapa. I love being able to experience both sides of the grass, so to speak. But sometimes it gets frustrating because I never truly belong to either side.
The biggest issue for me is that I don't LOOK Asian at all. Most Hapas show the dominant Asian genes more than the Caucasian genes - dark hair, dark eyes with one lid etc. In my experience at least, Hapas that look more Asian than white are clearly Hapa. You can tell when someone is not completely Asian. When the Caucasian side dominates, it's much harder to tell that that person is Hapa. I have light hair and double-lidded eyes, so everyone I have ever met is astonished when I tell them that I'm Hapa, and many vehemently deny it! Growing up, I would tell someone that my dad is from Hong Kong and my mom was born in Canada, and that person would be like, "You're not half-Asian. I don't believe you. You're making this up." And even after knowing someone for a long time they would still say that I'm making it up and that they can't believe it.
Somehow, because I do not look Asian, I am therefore less Asian than my more Asian-looking Hapa friends. I'll be hanging out with my friends and casually make a remark about something Chinese, and one of my friends will say, "But you're not really Asian! Not really." Yes, yes I am. I am just as Chinese and my Hapa friend Julia is Japanese. Just because she looks more Asian doesn't make her more Asian. And vice-versa. I am not more white than she is. For some reason these comments bother me. I struggle already with identity by being a Hapa, but to be denied being a Hapa? That's a whole other story. To be told, over and over, that you are not half-Asian messes with your head. I feel like when I talk about my Chinese culture, I am lying somehow and pretending to be someone I'm not. I already don't belong in the Chinese or white culture, but now I don't belong in the Hapa culture either?
Does anyone else struggle with this? I would love to hear your opinion on this subject, especially anyone like me - who looks more white than Asian.
